Getting bullied by a Dory-sized Picasso triggerfish was not on my 2025 bingo card. 🐡
There I was, snorkeling alone, living my best soft-girl-underwater-life, when this tiny, innocent-looking fish swam a little too close to my mask.
I gasped.
Cute, right?
Hmm. Yeah, no.
At first, she was just circling me. Darting in and out. Sizing me up like I owed her rent. I splashed around trying to swim backwards, wrong move apparently, and she got bolder.
And then?
Nip.
Right on my thigh.
Cue panic mode.
I remembered the marine biologist saying, very casually, "Triggerfish are the ones you should actually be scared of. They attack when they're bored."
Bored.
This territorial, aggressive little diva was bored.
Clearly.
So there I was in the middle of the reef, yelling, "Ma'am, I don't want your babies!" into my snorkel while being pursued by a fish the size of my hand.
She nipped me again.
Same spot.
Like she had claimed it.
At this point, I was no longer snorkeling. I was escaping. With absolutely no grace, no dignity, and no main-character soundtrack. Just bubbles, panic, and me swimming away like an idiot.
I am positive she followed me all the way back to shore. Behind me, beside me, spiritually attached to me, who knows? I simply knew I was not alone.
When I told the snorkeling instructor, he laughed like this was some sacred ocean rite of passage and said, "Be grateful it wasn't a Titan triggerfish."
Excuse me?
Sir?
I was fighting for my dignity.
Okay, fine. I got chased by a tiny fish. Could've been worse, right? A reef shark?
But who am I kidding? Reef sharks are chill guys. They just glide around, minding their shark business.
And to be fair, the guided snorkeling around the house reef was stunning.
Turtles floated around like every day was summer. A blacktip shark darted past like it was late for a meeting. The coral looked like the ocean had a secret paint palette. I saw colors I didn't even know existed.
It was magic.
Proper Maldives magic.
But when my hair is white and my teeth begin to fall, what will I remember?
Not the turtles.
Not the coral.
Not even the shark.
I will remember this tiny Pi-cazzo who chose violence. 🎀
